interview where they ask why they can’t just use AI instead of me.
one from the archives
Truthfully, I don’t know.
I am not even here. I am so far away. I am imagining
a year full of Sundays. I am imagining the ferocious heart
of the earth. I am reaching for the splendid, sordid pulse
of all the worst places. Like here. Who are you? Bleary eyed
stranger, calculating the small parts of my expression.
The arithmetic that lies between us does not love us.
You inject a careless laugh into your words, like the world
was almost yours, but you didn’t want it anyway. The silence
makes us uncomfortable, or maybe it is the question itself.
The premise of it. The image of running into a burning house
of meaning, hand in hand. Of pulling out our humanness
like a sword in the chest, an illusion that was only ever a trick
of light at best. Unconvincing at worst. I was prepared
for this question but I wasn’t. I had a script but the words
are wet and scrabbled. There are houses going up in flames
in my mind. I am so far away. I am making something up.
Now you are making something up, nodding methodically.
We see through each other. We see past each other. Truthfully,
I don’t know. What if this is all we have to offer to each other?
After the interview, I write an email. Brimming with gratitude
for time spent and other such lilting lies. I have a headache.
An ancient, doomed sword tugs and wrenches inside me.
What if another world was possible? I am still here, waiting.
Truthfully, what more is there to say? I don’t hear back.
The image of running into a burning house
of meaning, hand in hand.
I’ve been thinking about …
How exhausting work cultures are. I’m in an odd limbo because an old job came to an end and I ended up quitting a new job just as it began. Now I’m taking a small break before I throw myself back Out There into the infested waters of the job market (godspeed.) I find every element of job hunting and job acquiring and job doing so tedious. I hate selling myself and having a LinkedIn and spinning myself into a little brand. And ATS and optimising my SEO and updating my CV. And how bloated and alien my tongue sounds during interviews. And the term work life balance and every mind-numbing corporate acronym. And writing and re-writing reports and documentation and strategies that amount to nothing and float untethered in the white, acrid air of a 2TB workplace Google Drive. I hate Slack and ‘super quick’ Zoom check-ins and Monday morning emails with chirpy signatures that do not find me well. Are they finding anyone well? Most of all I hate that I’m still, by far, one of the lucky ones.
This poem was an old draft, brought back into life out of fresh exhaustion. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the fact that I’m not just in competition with my fellow humans, but also with unsleeping LLMs.
Anyway, how do you feel about your work? Tell me in the comments!
I’ll be back with more writing next week. Until then, take care.
Love,
Anagha
Hey, thanks for sharing this. It's good for me to get reminders that not everyone can agree so easily that Every Day Is a Beautiful Day. I tend to over-enthuse (I'm an Enneagram 7...). And I'm retired, and enjoying my second half of life as a wandering poet. So, what can I offer besides "hang in there"?
When I was teaching, and dealing with the frustrations which that brings, I came to a moment (thanks to a friend) when I realized I was also getting something out of my days. My eyes were opened. There was still plenty to be frustrated by, but overall I saw that what I was doing was teaching me something, too. That changed how I got up in the morning. (And of course, I had job security and a fixed pension, which was helpful.)
But I hope you can also get something out of whatever you are doing, or have to do. It makes such a difference not just to find meaning, but make your own meaning.
Best wishes!